Dating & The Elephant in the Room
What I’m about to share with you came straight from my notes from our latest Guide Groups. If you’re not familiar, it’s our virtual gathering for all widowers who want to grow in their walk with God and find community that understands.
Widowers from 22 states, plus Canada and Guatemala attended this past gathering. I realize impact isn’t measured by registration forms. But remembering my early days as a widower, with no seasoned guide in sight, I’m in awe of what God is doing almost ten years later. This pain hasn’t been wasted with this global community and it won’t be wasted for you.
While this content was originally written with widowers in mind, it applies just as much to widows. And if you're a parent, in-law, friend, or part of the extended community walking alongside someone grieving—please keep reading. I address the elephant in the room at the end.
Let’s dig in:
The most loving thing you can do as you consider dating again isn’t to rush into something new.
It’s to prepare:
For yourself
For your children
For the memory of your late spouse
And for whoever may come next
You’re not starting over.
You’re standing in the middle of something you have already grown.
Before inviting someone new into your life, ask:
What’s thriving?
What’s been neglected?
What needs weeding?
First marriages start with an empty field and a question:
“What can we grow together?”
Second marriages begin in a garden that’s already been planted.
The question becomes: “What have you already grown?”
This is your moment to slow down and be honest—with yourself, your kids, and your community.
If you’re dating, pay attention to her garden too.
Look at her faith. Her purpose. Her character.
Don’t bring her in to pull weeds you’ve ignored. And don’t ignore the caution of those you trust.
As one of our Retreat Guides, Kyle, says:
“Red flags just look like flags when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses.”
Spend more time with your children when you start dating, not less.
Like vines, they cling to whatever is closest.
Make sure what they’re holding on to is steady and safe.
Ask:
Is the soil ready?
Are my children ready?
Am I still grieving—or am I growing?
Love prepares before it pursues.
Now Let’s Address the Elephant in the Room:
To Widowers/Widows:
You may notice this season of dating brings up strong emotions for you, but also your community. This is important…Pray for your community—and show grace. They’ve walked with you through more than you remember.
In those early days of grief, they held your children, dropped off meals, and sat by your side.
Now, as you share something new—or someone new—don’t forget: this touches more lives than just your own.
You don’t need permission, but you could use perspective.
Be considerate and loving in how you communicate.
Honor their ongoing role in your story and make it clear that there is still a place for them.
Most of the time, what sounds like pushback from them or conditions is actually fear—or love that is unsure of where to go.
Lead with humility and bless them with your words every chance you get.
Honor should exist in all seasons.
Let God’s Word be your guide.
Not guilt. Not timelines. Not loneliness.
Let it be love. Let it be wisdom.
Let it be with the goal of a garden well tended, not firm boundaries and a proven point.
To Our Community:
Thank you.
You’ve stood in the gap when it hurt and carried your own sorrow while trying to support us through ours. That’s not easy—and please know it hasn’t gone unnoticed.
We know you don’t get a title like “widow” or “widower” that hints at your reality. Our culture hasn’t come up with a name for the grief of a mother, father, sibling, or best friend left behind. So you’ve had to quietly carry the ache—smiling when you’d rather not, explaining when you’d rather be understood.
We see you, and we know this has been heavy for you, too.
Dating after loss has a way of reopening wounds.
Remember, none of us chose this grief. We are all trying to live well with what we’ve been given.
The reality is, some days, we’re all guessing.
Know that we do long for your presence.
We want to include you in this next chapter.
And yes—grief can cloud judgment and put our sin nature on full display.
But don’t forget: we once chose our late spouse well…the very person you loved, raised, and now mourn…and they chose us, too.
Let that give you hope that we can choose well again.
This part of the journey tests relationships maybe more than any other part.
It can feel uncertain for everyone, but it doesn’t have to break the unity that honors God and our loved one.
Our loved one wouldn’t want us to drift apart and miss out on the precious gift of time that they battled so hard for in their own life.
With grace, this new season can redeem instead of re-injure.
So please seek to understand first and bring peace with you.
We mirror emotions more than we realize.
In the end, we all need each other.
And by the grace of God, we can walk forward—together.
Proof to all around us that Jesus really does change everything, especially our hope and our healing.
With you,
Daniel Brooker
Founder, Refuge Widowers